Perusing online profiles is now my second job.

I don’t hesitate to scrutinize profiles with anyone, anywhere. My friends, my boss, my friend’s boss – I literally want to browse for men All. The. Time. There are so many profiles. Have you seen naked guy on a unicorn? I know. But he’s British so it sort of makes sense. I’m also surprised by how many people have the word “taco” in their user name. Why do that? You’re gross, quit it.

Last week, I finally got a message from someone cute (!) with a career (!!) and decent taste in music (!!!). His profile doesn’t say exactly what he does for a living, and I’m quite explicit about what I do on mine, so I felt like it was fair game, in my response, to ask him about his career. Apparently I hit a nerve: “Showing your hand a bit that occupation is your first question”. Um, excuse me? What is that supposed to mean? Am I a gold-digger because I want to know what you do for 8-10 hours of your day? My job certainly informs the kind of person I am, why would he be any different?

Needless to say I’m offended. However, the cuteness-to-offensiveness scale is balanced in his favour so I let it slide with a “oh, you’re feisty,” just so he knows that shit has not gone unnoticed.

We trade messages over the next few days and he lightens up a bit. He actually gives me compliments and says I’m too good for him (that’s more like it). He even sends a goodnight message and calls me “button.” Oh, he’s good.

I’m going to Hawaii in a few days but I figure it’s better to meet him before I leave so if it’s horrible then I don’t have to spend my vacation anticipating something that’s going to eventually suck. We decide to meet the night before I leave and the date goes until 2am. At one point he reveals his ideal Christmas would be alone in a strip club. I really don’t buy this. This just seems like he’s trying to be eccentric. He also says he buys his pants at Le Chateau, which I do believe because let’s be honest, why would you brag about that? He seems like a bit of a contradiction. But a really cute contradiction.

We head to another bar. The waitress comes over and he orders a drink she’s unfamiliar with but he’s had one there before. I’ve never seen a woman so intent on filling an order. She goes so far as to ASK FOR HIS NUMBER right in front of me. It’s under the guise of getting to the bottom of what’s in the drink, but, COME ON LADY, who are you trying to fool?  Anyway, we end up at his place. We weren’t far and he suggested a drink, nothing more.

We sit in his living room listening to music with his head in my lap, hardly talking. It’s like a Sofia Coppola movie. Together, but alone. Is this by design? Is he trying to seem deep and mysterious? We hug goodbye and when I get home there’s an email waiting from him. He says it is a shame our date wasn’t longer! He also apologizes for grabbing my ass upon exit, which I unfortunately didn’t feel due to my puffy coat. He most likely just grabbed a handful of down, but still. I’m leaving for vacation in a few hours so I try to quell my excitement and go to bed. I realize I’m letting his cuteness get the better of me, but I tell myself to shut up and have fun.

A couple days go by and I decide to write him a message confirming my arrival and the fact that I’m super excited to pick up a new ukulele (insert hipster joke here). He writes back that he would be “enamored and impressed” if I would learn “Tonight you belong to me” and attaches Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters’ version from The Jerk. It’s an adorable song and I accept the challenge. I know. This is probably a mistake. I learn the song relatively quickly and record a version with me singing. Correction. I record several versions and stress myself out until I annoy everyone in the apartment (myself included). I can barely look as I click send. After a few agonizing hours he writes back, and he likes it (phew!). I’ve secured another date for when I get back.

We make plans to meet Friday night. I go to a friend’s place first and proceed to drink an entire bottle of wine. My friends take my phone away from me until I can coherently tell them what/who I’m writing. I have great friends.

We decide to meet at a place not far away and I arrive early. Thank god he didn’t have to see me teeter my way into the booth. We have a couple drinks and somehow end up back at my place, but not before I forget my brand new phone on the table. A girl who I mistake as a waitress brings it out to me on the street (bless her heart) I find this out later as I run into her at an art opening and she calls me out for being a hot mess (accepted).

Anyway, we’re back at my place making out and we fall asleep. I wake up and poof, we’re naked, though I know we didn’t have sex. He grabs my hand and puts it on his dick. Actually, pretty impressed with what he’s got going on there. I proceed to try and seduce him (ya, use your imagination there folks) and he stops me…?  Wuh? He says no, I’m flustered and say “well, I’m not sure I have a condom anyway” and he says in a most condescending tone “Oh I don’t use condoms”. Again, wuh? So I suggest we go for breakfast but he wants to make-out some more. I have to wonder…is he riddled with disease? Is he super religious? Is he a pre-mature ejaculator? What are the reasons for not wanting to sleep with me when we’re RIGHT THERE. And why, for the love of god, don’t I just ask him?

After we get dressed he says he better be going and awkwardly shakes my hand. I look puzzled (as one would). He then moves closer to the door and begins unraveling his earphones and proceeds to ramble. In the course of 30 seconds he admits that his prototype woman is Morticia Adams, and his ideal sounding mate is somewhere between Jennifer Tilly and Joey Lauren Adams. He gives me a lengthy kiss and walks out. What the what, just happened? I obviously laugh because it’s kind of nuts. Jennifer Tilly and Joey Lauren Adams have the MOST annoying voices. How can his taste be justified? And further, I don’t sound like them nor do I look like Morticia Adams. Oh, and he made it clear it was not Angelica Houston but the original, Carolyn Jones. I am quite certain that he wasn’t joking either, if that’s what you’re thinking. Is this more of him trying to seem interesting, or is he legitimately this weird? I still want to find out and so I send him a text the next day saying I had a good time, blah blah. I never hear from him again.

All I can think now is that this guy still has a recording of me – thank god it wasn’t a video.